the life and times of a perpetual student.

Snow Days

2011-01-11T11:53:00.002-06:00

Just came back from a walk through the snow. Having spent my entire life (prior to grad school) in California, I find snow to be magical. Nothing makes me happier than a snowy day. I love watching the flakes fall and then the cover of snow on the ground. I love going on walks to the park and watching the neighborhood children sled down the hill. Having never gone sledding myself I am jealous of their play, but do not want to interrupt their fun by asking to borrow their sled for a minute. My favorite things to do on snowy days is to walk through un-trodden snow. It is harder to walk though but its fun to look back and see only one set of footprints.

Granted, my view of snow as magical is probably highly romanticized. It snows very few times a winter in St Louis, and the snow that does fall doesn't seem to remain on the ground for more than a few days. I might feel differently if the snow was excessively deep and lasted for months on end. Even now I refuse to drive if there is now on the ground. This is both for my own safety and the safety of everyone else. I do not know how to drive in the snow and I don't want to put myself or others in harms way. But as the snow here doesn't seem to last for very long it hasn't been a problem thus far. I know that whenever snow is predicted there seems to be a mad rush the the grocery store (which I think is rather silly since only a few inches of snow seems to fall). But Most of the time I have plenty of groceries so I never worry. Also, school tends to be canceled if there is excessive snow and I can work on my research from home. And if ABSOLUTELY need to go into school I can bum a ride from several classmates in my neighborhood who are practiced at driving in the snow.

But my idea of a perfect day is a snowy/rainy day at home drinking tea.

Nightmares and Single Living

2011-01-10T14:18:00.002-06:00

I feel like the world's biggest wimp for writing this post, but here it is.

Last night I had a series of nightmares. One right after the other. By the time 3am rolled around I was too freaked out to go back to bed. At that point all I wanted was someone in the same apartment with me that I could turn to for comfort. As much as I love my cat, he was not cutting it last night. I wanted to feel safe and he's not likely to protect me. So what did I do? I turned on every single light in my house, checked the locks on all my doors and windows, checked all of my closets and under my bed, and sat up in bed (with all the lights on) and read until I passed out. I felt like a six year old child. I even considered going out and buying a baseball bat for protection.

The sad part is, I have people I could call. Granted, they wouldn't have appreciated a 3am wake up call....but they would have picked up. Not only that, one of my best friends is my downstairs neighbor and I could have knocked on her door or called her and crashed on her couch. But I hate being perceived as being vulnerable so I tend not to ask for help. And even though everyone needs help on occasion and everyone has their vulnerable moments I couldn't bear to let those closest to me in and allow them to help. And yet here I am, sharing my vulnerability and fears with the nameless, faceless void that is the internet. And I'm okay with that for some reason. In fact, I'm more comfortable sharing this with strangers than I am with my family and friends. Granted, a few of them know about this blog, and frankly I doubt anyone besides those few people even follow this blog. But the great this about a blog is that anyone can read it. In fact, most of the blogs that I follow are written by complete strangers. I like the idea that you can share aspects of your life and thoughts with others and still have a semblance of anonymity. That by sharing with strangers, or even just putting thoughts out into the void, I'm able to reason them out better and get them out of my head in a somewhat organized fashion. Now maybe someday I'll be able to make that 3am phone call asking for comfort (or even better, have someone to turn to on the other side of the bed) but for now I'll just write here and send these thoughts out there.

Another year,

2011-01-09T15:34:00.003-06:00

I figured that it was time for my semi-annual blog on my life. Trying once again to start blogging with any kind of regularity seems rather daunting.

I have finally finished my masters degree. Jeez, that took forever. Now onto the next of my projects that I need to do before getting my doctorate. To be honest, though I am glad that I have my masters, I find it to be rather anti-climactic. I mean, it was hard and I feel as though I learned a lot, but it just seems like a big assignment. And now that that assignment is done, I have move onto the next one.

In other news.....

I have fallen in love with the idea of moving to New England. I went there over the fall to visit a friend in Boston and while I was there I took a few days to check out Vermont and New Hampshire. And I LOVED it. I have been looking for a place that felt like "home" to me for quite some time, and I immediately felt comfortable both in Boston and in Vermont. Now granted, I didn't go to very many places in Vermont. Mostly I just drove around and checked out the scenery (it was fall--my favorite season--the foliage was BEAUTIFUL). I did go to Weston, VT and checked out The Vermont Country Store. It was awesome, but none of the Co-Proprietors (i.e., the Orton brothers) were there so that was a bit of a let down. I fully intend to go back to Vermont and check out Stowe and Burlington to see what those areas have to offer. I want to go back and see what the area is like during the other times of the year. Boston was great too. It was such a walkable city. If I had my druthers I would walk and take public transit everywhere. Unfortunately, both St Louis and Sacramento have horrible public transit systems so I have to drive everywhere.

Hmmm...I guess that is enough for now. I'm going to try to blog more, but I guess I say that at the close of every post.

The trials and tribulations of dating

2010-05-11T21:50:00.002-05:00

Dating sucks.

Now I know that there are people who are out there that love dating. That date for the sake of dating. I am not one of them.

Recently, I signed up for yet another dating website. This one, unlike the others, is free and I don't feel as much pressure to find someone before my membership expires. Unfortunately, I'm not finding much there....same with the other (expensive) online dating websites. I don't really feel as though I have impossibly high standards, but there are a whopping 12 guys within a 50 mile radius who meet my 4 dealbreakers.

For those interested they are as follows:
1) College educated preferably with a master's degree because as I am going to have a career in academia I want to be with someone who has been through what I am going through...so they can empathize
2) democrat because even though a political debate is fun I want to have a the same core view of the world
3) Not religious...that is either atheist, agnostic, or buddist (because they do not believe in God) Again I want someone with the same world view
4) No kids...because frankly, I don't know if I want any

And apparently only 12 of these people life in the area. I really hate being in the Midwest.

What makes it even more difficult is the fact that anyone who is in a relationship with me has to be willing to relocate since the liklihood of me getting a tenure track job in St Louis is small. And a lot of the men I meet have lived in St Louis their entire life and want to stay closeby to raise a family (which again, I don't know if I want kids).

Am I being to picky? Should I just settle? The problem is that I look at the life that I want versus the life I will have if I just settle, and frankly the latter is boring. I want to life all over the world, and travel...not stay in one place my entire life.

and now I'm 28...and I'm seeing one friend after another getting married or engaged or pregnant. and even though I am not ready for any of those steps, I would life to see the possibility of having some of those things in the future. And so I need to date. And dating sucks.

This is a very circular post.

New Year. New Title. New Perspective.

2010-02-15T07:55:00.003-06:00

I have come to the realization that my blog and my outlook on life is very negative. So I will try to start again, and not be such a downer. More to come......

The fast approaching holiday season

2009-12-08T19:56:00.002-06:00

The end of the semester is at hand, and with it comes the frustration of not getting as much done as earlier anticipated.

All in all, this semester has really been god awful. I've been out (and by out I mean socializing with more than one other person--i.e. not just dinner with Carrie) a grand total of 2 times in the past 4 months. Pathetic, I know.

And along with the frustration of being no where near finished with my thesis & having no social life...the holidays are here. In my life, the holidays are a mixed blessing. On the one hand, I get to see my family and I love all of the traditions that are associated with the holiday season. On the other hand, it is the time of year that makes me feel the most horrible about being single. I am in my late 20's, I want to start estabilishing some holiday traditions outside of those that I share with my immediate family. Or I at least want someone to kiss on New Years. And I don't. And I feel wretched. So this New Years Eve I will again go to bed at 10pm and just sleep through the whole thing. I could go out, but most of my friends who still live around my parents who I would go out with are all coupled up, and if there is anything worse than being kiss-less on NewYeras Eve it is being kiss-less and watching everyone else get kissed.

So there I am.

I have given up. I don't even bother anymore.

Drowning in a sea of work

2009-10-07T12:54:00.002-05:00

It has been forever. I know. I'm a horrible blogger.

But having read many blogs at this point I know that most bloggers go through at least one phase of inactivity before the pattern of blogging gets regular.

I should be reading the 5 journal articles (about100 pages) that will be discussed in class tomorrow and writing the 3-5 page paper and the 10 questions due for class tomorrow, but I thought that I would take a moment and reflect.

On my life.....

Or to be more honest, my lack of life.

Since this semester has started I have spent between 8-12 hours a day at school at least 5 if not 6 days a week. I have not gone out on the weekend unless it was to 1) a coffee shop to work on my thesis, or 2) grocery shopping.

I don't have time to hang out with friends, or meet new people, let alone date. Which leaves me frustrated because I feel isolated not only in friendship but relationship-wise as well. I would like to have a boyfriend, someone I could come home to after a long day at school/work. And right now it is so far outside the realm of possibility that I feel doubtful and hopeless that it will ever happen. I envy those in my program who have an established relationship because they have someone to share their trouble and joys with. I'd like that. Though frankly, the joys in my life are fairly minimal right now.

I know that the end goal is what I'm aiming for and need to focus on, but do I have to be miserable for the next 3 years?

Paths not chosen

2009-02-21T23:03:00.002-06:00

Over the past few weeks I've been reflecting about the choices, both good and bad, that have led me to this point in my life. I am very pleased with what I've managed to accomplish and the hurdles I've had to overcome in order to be in my current situation.

I always assumed that once I made it into graduate school I would be able to again pursue the interests that I put on the back-burner while I was working hard in school. I would have a personal life again, I would have time and energy to pursue my singing and theatre interests without the added pressure of getting into grad school. I admit that I am a person of extremes and those who have known me long enough, who knew me before 2004, know that I was not as studious as I now am. During high school I was bored with school and didn't take my courses seriously. I spent most of my time in the Theatre department because that was the one place on campus where I felt included. My senior year I started dating a much older man (a HUGE mistake for MANY reasons) and though him got heavily involved in the rave scene. It took me several years to get out of both the relationship and the culture that went with it. After this time I tried to motivate myself to go back to college and after several false starts and part-time semesters I finally managed to get back into the swing of school. And I've never looked back.

I think that part of the reason that now I am so regimented and controlled is as a reaction to the time in my life when I just said "F--K IT." It is very hard for me to be spontanious and let loose now. I'm not willing to take risks because the risks that I took in the past lead me to a place that it was very hard to get out of. I try looking back and letting go, and to a sense I have....but I still am scarred to the extent that I am terrified that if I slip up again I won't be as lucky as I was the last time.

You maybe wondering what brought all of this on. Nothing bad or depressing. I want to audition for the St Louis Symphony Choir. The thought of getting back into music again after so long is daunting, but more than that it made me question why I decided not to pursue it in the first place. It has always been one of the few things that I have always loved to do. And I think that the ultimate reason that I did nothing to pursue it was fear. Fear of failure. Fear of risking my security again to pursue a dream that was unlikely. But even if I hadn't pursued it to its fullest extent, why had I dropped something that gave me so much joy completely from my life. Again, I think it was fear. The fear of tempting myself with something I couldn't have.

That I am audtioning for something at all is a HUGE step for me. I'm scared that I won't make it and I've always been insecure about this aspect of myself...which maybe another reason I never pursued it. My soul just couldn't handle rejection in this arena.

On Pause

2009-02-20T08:08:00.002-06:00

I know that going to grad school, as important it is to me and as much as I want to go, means putting parts of my life on hold. Though I'm not dating, nor is there anyone who I particularly want to date, I feel as though that part of my life is severely dampened by my graduate education. What brought all of this on is the news that one of my best friends is pregnant. We are the same age, and this is her second child.

Now don't get me wrong. I certainly don't want children right now. I'm not certain that I want children at all. But that is not the point. The point it is that her life is progressing forward along a path. A path that I will not be able to follow (even if I wanted to) for at least 4 years. There have been changes in her life over the past 4 years. Whereas I am attending college....still. I've been at one college or another since 2000. Although the location of the school and degree being pursued has changed, the fact that I am still in school has not.

Maybe the reason that my lack of progression in my personal life affects me so much is because I feel as though all other parts of my life that are meaningful to me have moved forward. Yet I feel as though my personal life has been but on pause. Also, unfortunately, it doesn't seem as though that will progress much in the near future. I don't really have the time to go out and date right now (I'm AMAZINGLY busy with school at the moment) and I don't really get to hang out with or meet many men outside of my classes at school. And I have a rule about fishing of the company pier...so that limits my options even if I wanted to date any of them (which I don't).

I don't really expect to resolve my feelings...but I just wanted to put my thoughts out there.

Joining the throng....

2009-02-16T15:21:00.001-06:00

I have buckled to pressure and started a blog...obviously.

There are times that I feel like just putting a thought out into the universe and the blog-o-sphere seems like the ideal spot to do so. I may share life events, personal examinations, interesting news, and whatever else seems interesting to me at the moment. This blog won't really have a theme....