Just came back from a walk through the snow. Having spent my entire life (prior to grad school) in California, I find snow to be magical. Nothing makes me happier than a snowy day. I love watching the flakes fall and then the cover of snow on the ground. I love going on walks to the park and watching the neighborhood children sled down the hill. Having never gone sledding myself I am jealous of their play, but do not want to interrupt their fun by asking to borrow their sled for a minute. My favorite things to do on snowy days is to walk through un-trodden snow. It is harder to walk though but its fun to look back and see only one set of footprints.
Granted, my view of snow as magical is probably highly romanticized. It snows very few times a winter in St Louis, and the snow that does fall doesn't seem to remain on the ground for more than a few days. I might feel differently if the snow was excessively deep and lasted for months on end. Even now I refuse to drive if there is now on the ground. This is both for my own safety and the safety of everyone else. I do not know how to drive in the snow and I don't want to put myself or others in harms way. But as the snow here doesn't seem to last for very long it hasn't been a problem thus far. I know that whenever snow is predicted there seems to be a mad rush the the grocery store (which I think is rather silly since only a few inches of snow seems to fall). But Most of the time I have plenty of groceries so I never worry. Also, school tends to be canceled if there is excessive snow and I can work on my research from home. And if ABSOLUTELY need to go into school I can bum a ride from several classmates in my neighborhood who are practiced at driving in the snow.
But my idea of a perfect day is a snowy/rainy day at home drinking tea.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Monday, January 10, 2011
Nightmares and Single Living
I feel like the world's biggest wimp for writing this post, but here it is.
Last night I had a series of nightmares. One right after the other. By the time 3am rolled around I was too freaked out to go back to bed. At that point all I wanted was someone in the same apartment with me that I could turn to for comfort. As much as I love my cat, he was not cutting it last night. I wanted to feel safe and he's not likely to protect me. So what did I do? I turned on every single light in my house, checked the locks on all my doors and windows, checked all of my closets and under my bed, and sat up in bed (with all the lights on) and read until I passed out. I felt like a six year old child. I even considered going out and buying a baseball bat for protection.
The sad part is, I have people I could call. Granted, they wouldn't have appreciated a 3am wake up call....but they would have picked up. Not only that, one of my best friends is my downstairs neighbor and I could have knocked on her door or called her and crashed on her couch. But I hate being perceived as being vulnerable so I tend not to ask for help. And even though everyone needs help on occasion and everyone has their vulnerable moments I couldn't bear to let those closest to me in and allow them to help. And yet here I am, sharing my vulnerability and fears with the nameless, faceless void that is the internet. And I'm okay with that for some reason. In fact, I'm more comfortable sharing this with strangers than I am with my family and friends. Granted, a few of them know about this blog, and frankly I doubt anyone besides those few people even follow this blog. But the great this about a blog is that anyone can read it. In fact, most of the blogs that I follow are written by complete strangers. I like the idea that you can share aspects of your life and thoughts with others and still have a semblance of anonymity. That by sharing with strangers, or even just putting thoughts out into the void, I'm able to reason them out better and get them out of my head in a somewhat organized fashion. Now maybe someday I'll be able to make that 3am phone call asking for comfort (or even better, have someone to turn to on the other side of the bed) but for now I'll just write here and send these thoughts out there.
Last night I had a series of nightmares. One right after the other. By the time 3am rolled around I was too freaked out to go back to bed. At that point all I wanted was someone in the same apartment with me that I could turn to for comfort. As much as I love my cat, he was not cutting it last night. I wanted to feel safe and he's not likely to protect me. So what did I do? I turned on every single light in my house, checked the locks on all my doors and windows, checked all of my closets and under my bed, and sat up in bed (with all the lights on) and read until I passed out. I felt like a six year old child. I even considered going out and buying a baseball bat for protection.
The sad part is, I have people I could call. Granted, they wouldn't have appreciated a 3am wake up call....but they would have picked up. Not only that, one of my best friends is my downstairs neighbor and I could have knocked on her door or called her and crashed on her couch. But I hate being perceived as being vulnerable so I tend not to ask for help. And even though everyone needs help on occasion and everyone has their vulnerable moments I couldn't bear to let those closest to me in and allow them to help. And yet here I am, sharing my vulnerability and fears with the nameless, faceless void that is the internet. And I'm okay with that for some reason. In fact, I'm more comfortable sharing this with strangers than I am with my family and friends. Granted, a few of them know about this blog, and frankly I doubt anyone besides those few people even follow this blog. But the great this about a blog is that anyone can read it. In fact, most of the blogs that I follow are written by complete strangers. I like the idea that you can share aspects of your life and thoughts with others and still have a semblance of anonymity. That by sharing with strangers, or even just putting thoughts out into the void, I'm able to reason them out better and get them out of my head in a somewhat organized fashion. Now maybe someday I'll be able to make that 3am phone call asking for comfort (or even better, have someone to turn to on the other side of the bed) but for now I'll just write here and send these thoughts out there.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Another year,
I figured that it was time for my semi-annual blog on my life. Trying once again to start blogging with any kind of regularity seems rather daunting.
I have finally finished my masters degree. Jeez, that took forever. Now onto the next of my projects that I need to do before getting my doctorate. To be honest, though I am glad that I have my masters, I find it to be rather anti-climactic. I mean, it was hard and I feel as though I learned a lot, but it just seems like a big assignment. And now that that assignment is done, I have move onto the next one.
In other news.....
I have fallen in love with the idea of moving to New England. I went there over the fall to visit a friend in Boston and while I was there I took a few days to check out Vermont and New Hampshire. And I LOVED it. I have been looking for a place that felt like "home" to me for quite some time, and I immediately felt comfortable both in Boston and in Vermont. Now granted, I didn't go to very many places in Vermont. Mostly I just drove around and checked out the scenery (it was fall--my favorite season--the foliage was BEAUTIFUL). I did go to Weston, VT and checked out The Vermont Country Store. It was awesome, but none of the Co-Proprietors (i.e., the Orton brothers) were there so that was a bit of a let down. I fully intend to go back to Vermont and check out Stowe and Burlington to see what those areas have to offer. I want to go back and see what the area is like during the other times of the year. Boston was great too. It was such a walkable city. If I had my druthers I would walk and take public transit everywhere. Unfortunately, both St Louis and Sacramento have horrible public transit systems so I have to drive everywhere.
Hmmm...I guess that is enough for now. I'm going to try to blog more, but I guess I say that at the close of every post.
I have finally finished my masters degree. Jeez, that took forever. Now onto the next of my projects that I need to do before getting my doctorate. To be honest, though I am glad that I have my masters, I find it to be rather anti-climactic. I mean, it was hard and I feel as though I learned a lot, but it just seems like a big assignment. And now that that assignment is done, I have move onto the next one.
In other news.....
I have fallen in love with the idea of moving to New England. I went there over the fall to visit a friend in Boston and while I was there I took a few days to check out Vermont and New Hampshire. And I LOVED it. I have been looking for a place that felt like "home" to me for quite some time, and I immediately felt comfortable both in Boston and in Vermont. Now granted, I didn't go to very many places in Vermont. Mostly I just drove around and checked out the scenery (it was fall--my favorite season--the foliage was BEAUTIFUL). I did go to Weston, VT and checked out The Vermont Country Store. It was awesome, but none of the Co-Proprietors (i.e., the Orton brothers) were there so that was a bit of a let down. I fully intend to go back to Vermont and check out Stowe and Burlington to see what those areas have to offer. I want to go back and see what the area is like during the other times of the year. Boston was great too. It was such a walkable city. If I had my druthers I would walk and take public transit everywhere. Unfortunately, both St Louis and Sacramento have horrible public transit systems so I have to drive everywhere.
Hmmm...I guess that is enough for now. I'm going to try to blog more, but I guess I say that at the close of every post.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
The trials and tribulations of dating
Dating sucks.
Now I know that there are people who are out there that love dating. That date for the sake of dating. I am not one of them.
Recently, I signed up for yet another dating website. This one, unlike the others, is free and I don't feel as much pressure to find someone before my membership expires. Unfortunately, I'm not finding much there....same with the other (expensive) online dating websites. I don't really feel as though I have impossibly high standards, but there are a whopping 12 guys within a 50 mile radius who meet my 4 dealbreakers.
For those interested they are as follows:
1) College educated preferably with a master's degree because as I am going to have a career in academia I want to be with someone who has been through what I am going through...so they can empathize
2) democrat because even though a political debate is fun I want to have a the same core view of the world
3) Not religious...that is either atheist, agnostic, or buddist (because they do not believe in God) Again I want someone with the same world view
4) No kids...because frankly, I don't know if I want any
And apparently only 12 of these people life in the area. I really hate being in the Midwest.
What makes it even more difficult is the fact that anyone who is in a relationship with me has to be willing to relocate since the liklihood of me getting a tenure track job in St Louis is small. And a lot of the men I meet have lived in St Louis their entire life and want to stay closeby to raise a family (which again, I don't know if I want kids).
Am I being to picky? Should I just settle? The problem is that I look at the life that I want versus the life I will have if I just settle, and frankly the latter is boring. I want to life all over the world, and travel...not stay in one place my entire life.
and now I'm 28...and I'm seeing one friend after another getting married or engaged or pregnant. and even though I am not ready for any of those steps, I would life to see the possibility of having some of those things in the future. And so I need to date. And dating sucks.
This is a very circular post.
Now I know that there are people who are out there that love dating. That date for the sake of dating. I am not one of them.
Recently, I signed up for yet another dating website. This one, unlike the others, is free and I don't feel as much pressure to find someone before my membership expires. Unfortunately, I'm not finding much there....same with the other (expensive) online dating websites. I don't really feel as though I have impossibly high standards, but there are a whopping 12 guys within a 50 mile radius who meet my 4 dealbreakers.
For those interested they are as follows:
1) College educated preferably with a master's degree because as I am going to have a career in academia I want to be with someone who has been through what I am going through...so they can empathize
2) democrat because even though a political debate is fun I want to have a the same core view of the world
3) Not religious...that is either atheist, agnostic, or buddist (because they do not believe in God) Again I want someone with the same world view
4) No kids...because frankly, I don't know if I want any
And apparently only 12 of these people life in the area. I really hate being in the Midwest.
What makes it even more difficult is the fact that anyone who is in a relationship with me has to be willing to relocate since the liklihood of me getting a tenure track job in St Louis is small. And a lot of the men I meet have lived in St Louis their entire life and want to stay closeby to raise a family (which again, I don't know if I want kids).
Am I being to picky? Should I just settle? The problem is that I look at the life that I want versus the life I will have if I just settle, and frankly the latter is boring. I want to life all over the world, and travel...not stay in one place my entire life.
and now I'm 28...and I'm seeing one friend after another getting married or engaged or pregnant. and even though I am not ready for any of those steps, I would life to see the possibility of having some of those things in the future. And so I need to date. And dating sucks.
This is a very circular post.
Monday, February 15, 2010
New Year. New Title. New Perspective.
I have come to the realization that my blog and my outlook on life is very negative. So I will try to start again, and not be such a downer. More to come......
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
The fast approaching holiday season
The end of the semester is at hand, and with it comes the frustration of not getting as much done as earlier anticipated.
All in all, this semester has really been god awful. I've been out (and by out I mean socializing with more than one other person--i.e. not just dinner with Carrie) a grand total of 2 times in the past 4 months. Pathetic, I know.
And along with the frustration of being no where near finished with my thesis & having no social life...the holidays are here. In my life, the holidays are a mixed blessing. On the one hand, I get to see my family and I love all of the traditions that are associated with the holiday season. On the other hand, it is the time of year that makes me feel the most horrible about being single. I am in my late 20's, I want to start estabilishing some holiday traditions outside of those that I share with my immediate family. Or I at least want someone to kiss on New Years. And I don't. And I feel wretched. So this New Years Eve I will again go to bed at 10pm and just sleep through the whole thing. I could go out, but most of my friends who still live around my parents who I would go out with are all coupled up, and if there is anything worse than being kiss-less on NewYeras Eve it is being kiss-less and watching everyone else get kissed.
So there I am.
I have given up. I don't even bother anymore.
All in all, this semester has really been god awful. I've been out (and by out I mean socializing with more than one other person--i.e. not just dinner with Carrie) a grand total of 2 times in the past 4 months. Pathetic, I know.
And along with the frustration of being no where near finished with my thesis & having no social life...the holidays are here. In my life, the holidays are a mixed blessing. On the one hand, I get to see my family and I love all of the traditions that are associated with the holiday season. On the other hand, it is the time of year that makes me feel the most horrible about being single. I am in my late 20's, I want to start estabilishing some holiday traditions outside of those that I share with my immediate family. Or I at least want someone to kiss on New Years. And I don't. And I feel wretched. So this New Years Eve I will again go to bed at 10pm and just sleep through the whole thing. I could go out, but most of my friends who still live around my parents who I would go out with are all coupled up, and if there is anything worse than being kiss-less on NewYeras Eve it is being kiss-less and watching everyone else get kissed.
So there I am.
I have given up. I don't even bother anymore.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Drowning in a sea of work
It has been forever. I know. I'm a horrible blogger.
But having read many blogs at this point I know that most bloggers go through at least one phase of inactivity before the pattern of blogging gets regular.
I should be reading the 5 journal articles (about100 pages) that will be discussed in class tomorrow and writing the 3-5 page paper and the 10 questions due for class tomorrow, but I thought that I would take a moment and reflect.
On my life.....
Or to be more honest, my lack of life.
Since this semester has started I have spent between 8-12 hours a day at school at least 5 if not 6 days a week. I have not gone out on the weekend unless it was to 1) a coffee shop to work on my thesis, or 2) grocery shopping.
I don't have time to hang out with friends, or meet new people, let alone date. Which leaves me frustrated because I feel isolated not only in friendship but relationship-wise as well. I would like to have a boyfriend, someone I could come home to after a long day at school/work. And right now it is so far outside the realm of possibility that I feel doubtful and hopeless that it will ever happen. I envy those in my program who have an established relationship because they have someone to share their trouble and joys with. I'd like that. Though frankly, the joys in my life are fairly minimal right now.
I know that the end goal is what I'm aiming for and need to focus on, but do I have to be miserable for the next 3 years?
But having read many blogs at this point I know that most bloggers go through at least one phase of inactivity before the pattern of blogging gets regular.
I should be reading the 5 journal articles (about100 pages) that will be discussed in class tomorrow and writing the 3-5 page paper and the 10 questions due for class tomorrow, but I thought that I would take a moment and reflect.
On my life.....
Or to be more honest, my lack of life.
Since this semester has started I have spent between 8-12 hours a day at school at least 5 if not 6 days a week. I have not gone out on the weekend unless it was to 1) a coffee shop to work on my thesis, or 2) grocery shopping.
I don't have time to hang out with friends, or meet new people, let alone date. Which leaves me frustrated because I feel isolated not only in friendship but relationship-wise as well. I would like to have a boyfriend, someone I could come home to after a long day at school/work. And right now it is so far outside the realm of possibility that I feel doubtful and hopeless that it will ever happen. I envy those in my program who have an established relationship because they have someone to share their trouble and joys with. I'd like that. Though frankly, the joys in my life are fairly minimal right now.
I know that the end goal is what I'm aiming for and need to focus on, but do I have to be miserable for the next 3 years?
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